Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed
to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at
them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them
to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began
to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked
or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she
farted and flew out the window!"
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy
next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon
tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is
a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the
boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On
this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this
she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign
and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes
out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough.
Obviously the sexual stimulation is getting through to the woman's brain. The doctor then
suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a
personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the
doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor is shocked and asks what happened.
"She choked."
Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you
are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively
and punch it on the nose as hard as possible."
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
One day Steve noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick
to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that
showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as
much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he
knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me", Steve stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly
pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck Steve when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him
inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend
to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Steve
takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes
on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on
assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he
reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face,
he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is
law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath
so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb
my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in
the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat
for dinner today as any other day.'"
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