One of the popular ideas bounced around for an Alternative Olympics are to
have a special selection of Redneck Games, and they will even have their own
ceremonies. They are reported to be a shoe-in for Alabama, but Tennessee is
putting up a valiant fight. Proposed ideas for the events are as follows:
1. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and
sold as concession snacks.
2. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned
by the Governor.
3. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.
4. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Competition."
5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
6. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and
bronze teeth.
7. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
8. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.
9. Two words: Billy Bob-sledding.
10. Ballroom dancing will be replaced with a ho-down and participants must be from
the same family.
11. The pistol in the hundred yard dash will be loaded with real bullets, just so we
can git a wurld recurd out of dem runners.
12. Beach volleyball will be replaced with tether ball
13. The equestrian event will be replaced with Pitbull boxing.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman
sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This
driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls
the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front
and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was
doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," The officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly --
twenty-two miles an hour" the old woman said proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22"
was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned
and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am", the officer says, "I have to ask...Is everyone
in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every
time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something
themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just
knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid
looking confused but never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it
back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn’t matter
to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it‘s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
GROCERY STORE TIME ZONES
6:00am - 9:00am : Commuters, baking-deficient parents
9:00am - 12:00pm : Stay-at-home parents, pre-school field trips
12:00pm - 3:00pm : Retirees, firefighters, self-employed
3:00pm - 6:00pm : Young singles, after-work shoppers without kids
6:00pm - 9:00pm : Exhausted parents with screaming children
9:00pm - 12:00am : Partygoers, baking parents, mothers taking a break
3:00am - 6:00am : Substance abusers
Please shop in *your* zone to avoid conflicts. Thank you!
A certain guy had never had sex in his life, so his friend tells him
that he'll take him to a girl who will teach him a few things. He agrees.
Later that week, he's in a motel room with the girl.
She takes off her clothes, and asks him, "Do you know what I want?"
He says, quite honestly, "No."
She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again.
Again, he answers "No."
Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the
way; we're talking spread-eagle.
She asks, "Now do you know what I want?"
He answers, "Yeah. You want the whole damn bed to yourself.
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